Peace on Earth
by Balizabeth
Summary: Severus Snape comes home on night and reflects on what his life has becomes- the night Lily and James died.


Peace on Earth  
  
Severus Snape walked up the stairs to his home. Each step was heavy, and left the echo of flesh hitting stone. He walked slowly, each pace measured as though it was all he could do to keep on going. He reached the door, and entered his home. His eyes scanned the sparsely furnished, dark home. They rested momentarily on the fireplace, over which a green and silver Slytherin banner hung. If there had been anyone else in the room, they would have noticed the desperation and weariness in his face.  
  
Heaven on Earth  
We need it now  
I'm sick of all of this  
Hanging around  
  
No matter how much he willed it, the images, the torturous, nightmarish pictures of the night would not fade from his mind. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He folded his hands and put them up to his mouth. Gods, why were his hands so cold? Why were they shaking so much? And all the while, his mind was screaming at him, "Lily and James! Lily and James, you bastard! How could you?" 'I didn't want it to happen', he begged the voice silently, 'Never did I want it to happen. I was not the one who did it, it was him...' But the voice could not be ignored, nor could it's cold, truthful logic. "But you let it happen...and that is the same thing. You are not innocent of this crime. There are no innocents anymore. Murderer." A dry sob escaped his mouth. Murderer, murderer, murderer.  
  
  
Sick of sorrow  
I'm sick of the pain  
I'm sick of hearing  
Again and again  
That there's gonna be  
Peace on Earth  
  
Snape swayed on his feet for a moment then let himself collapse onto a chair near the fireplace. He did not light a fire. There would be no warmth tonight. And again, the images would not be denied. They came in bursts, not so much definite pictures, but sensations and feelings.   
  
He remembered the swish of his black cloak on the grass. He remembered the others, congregated around the house, wearing their Death Masks. He remembered the nausea, and wondering if he would get sick before the job was done. He remembered the eager anticipation of the group, how they longed above else for the blood that would be spilled tonight.  
  
Where I grew up  
There weren't many trees  
Where there was we'd tear them down  
And use them on our enemies  
  
He remembered the screams.  
  
Never, never had he pictured this life for himself. He had grown up in a family where the Dark Arts were accepted, where they were actually encouraged, but he had never imagined himself becoming a Death Eater. It was not something that he wanted to do, as simple as that. He didn't want to do it, so he wouldn't. Unfortunately, things are never as simple as that. There came the time when he had the choice between death and being the bringer of it, and he chose the latter. It was between the devil he knew and the devil he didn't. Tonight, not for the first time, he thought bitterly on how he had chosen the wrong devil.  
  
  
They say that what you mock  
Will surely overtake you  
And you become a monster  
So the monster will not break you  
  
And it's already gone too far  
Who said that if you go in hard  
You won't get hurt  
  
Goddamn them for this! Goddamn them for the murders, goddamn them for making one more orphan tonight. And damn me for letting myself become this disgusting creature. Nowadays, Severus felt a variety of emotions: anger, bitterness, cynicism, sorrow, but above all else there was always the feeling of self-loathing.  
  
Jesus can you take the time  
To throw a drowning man a line  
Peace on Earth  
  
It didn't even matter, Severus realized, that Voldemort was gone- for now. At least, it did not matter to him. Yes, there was some relief that his killings would stop, and no longer would he be called in the night for deeds of torture and murder. But what he had now were the memories of every little thing that he had done, and those would never be banished. Voldemort had killed the Potters, and Voldemort had reached his downfall. Snape was left with himself and the memories- a phantom of one whom used to be a man forever wrapped up in a black cloak and a skull mask. Not even the thought that he had turned a spy helped him now. He had done that for self-preservation, not for the hope that he would save many lives. He had thought that if everything had gone against the Dark Lord, he would find some solace in the fact that he was a spy, and had been helping the Light Side. Now he knew- oh, yes, now he knew. There was no such thing as solace for the likes of him. There would never be.  
  
Tell the ones who hear no sound  
Whose sons are living in the ground  
Peace on Earth  
  
No whos or whys  
No one cries like a mother cries  
For peace on Earth  
  
  
And even if, over time, some of the pain subsided, there would always be the boy. The boy, with his damnable green eyes...Just like Lily's... and his hair and smile...Just like James'... The boy would be there; a living reminder of his sins on the night Voldemort was defeated. He hated him. He hated him, even though he was just a baby, he hated him for all of the pain that he represented.   
  
  
She never got to say goodbye  
To see the color in his eyes  
Now he's in the dirt  
Peace on Earth  
  
They're reading names out  
Over the radio  
All the folks the rest of us  
Won't get to know  
  
Snape drew himself up out of his chair and headed to his bedchamber, even though he knew it was futile. He would not sleep tonight. Hell, he would be surprised if he ever slept the night through again. He used to. When he was a child. When there was peace. Now there was no peace- even with the Dark Lord gone. Peace was a dream, and he would never have it again. Even though at this moment, the rest of the wizarding world was rejoicing, and calling peace from the mountain tops, he knew it was an allusion. The poor fools. They will never know peace. By making merry now, they were only making it harder for themselves, when war came again. War always comes again. Peace on earth was just a legend.  
  
  
  
Jesus can you take the time  
To throw a drowning man a line  
Peace on Earth  
  
To tell the ones who hear no sound  
Whose sons are living in the ground  
Peace on Earth  
  
Severus was startled to see dawn's first light creeping across the room. He had spent the night wallowing in self-hate and despair. Ah, well- it was not the first time he had spent the night thus. He sat up, stretched, and winced as bones cracked in his body. Merlin, he was sore. But that didn't matter- he needed to go see Albus. There were things that needed to be discussed.  
  
  
Jesus in this song you wrote  
The words are sticking in my throat  
Peace on Earth  
  
Hear it every Christmas time  
But hope and history won't rhyme  
So what's it worth  
  
If he had the faith or the belief, he would have prayed. Prayed to whatever god had pity for Death Eaters- turned spy. But he had neither. And what good would it possible do to wish for peace on Earth?  
  
This peace on Earth  
Peace on Earth  
Peace on Earth  
Peace on Earth  
  
Sighing, Severus Snape left his home. His feet fell heavy on the stone steps. But it was no surprise- he carried the weight of himself, his guilt, and the haunting of those dead- and those still alive.  
  
Peace on Earth.  
  
*  
Well- that was interesting! I must admit, I had a good time writing it- there are certain parts that even *I* like. Now, that is a surprise.  
  
I wanted to try and approach on Snape, something I haven't dared yet. I hope it came across as believable. Generally, I am awful at songfics- please, tell me what you think!  
  
In case it wasn't obvious, this was Severus right after Lily and James had been killed- I just had a feeling that he was there, or had something to do that night. And I am not quite willing to believe JKR's excuse of why Snape hates Harry. So, I just made up a new one! How was it? Oh, Lord, I hope it wasn't awful....  
  
The song was "Peace on Earth" by U2. I know I left out some lyrics, and I'm sorry- but it just flowed better like that. Please forgive me!  
  
Anyway, please o please review and tell me what you thought!  
  
Cheers,  
Balizabeth (who is still glowing from seeing Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers for the fourth time in two weeks!) 


End file.
